i have finally had a panic episode about being in budapest, over 4,500 miles and 6 time zones away from my dearest friends and family.

why am i here?

did i make a mistake in extending my term?

what on earth have i done?

why am i not back in the states, surrounded by all my beloved friends and family?

what if i can’t do this?

what if i don’t want to do this?

how am i going to make it until the end?

it took me almost 7 months to get to this point, but here i am – wondering WHAT THE FUCK i’ve done and how i’m going to do all that i’ve been sent to accomplish. a lot has happened the past few weeks to get me to where i am now, at this emotional explosion, wanting to curl up into a ball and down two bottles of wine so i can just fall asleep and not have to freak out anymore. but i’m not going to do that, not tonight at least. for now i’m trying to process and discern where i’m called to be.

i’m trying to block out all the external stimuli and simply be aware of my calling in the world – which is a pretty extravagant thing that i’m hoping for, i’m well aware.

yet, here i am. sitting in bed. writing this out. listening to trevor hall. texting my two best friends (in two different time zones) about all this. about to start some deep breathing exercises.

i don’t really have a conclusion to this post, i’m still working towards that, but i would love your thoughts and good energy as i try and find my place here in budapest.