i’ve never been the one that’s left behind, i’m always the one doing the leaving.

and, normally, this makes my transition easier.

the people i leave behind miss me, but i’m usually too busy off on my next adventure to really have it bother me much. i think of those past connections, but they don’t weigh me down; i’m too wrapped up in starting a new chapter in my life to be bogged down by things like that.

i’ve been back in ohio now for almost two weeks, and it’s still something i struggle with on a daily basis: the fact that i spent the last 11 months building a life in massachusetts, just to pack it all up one day and have it disappear. the word that comes to my mind is abandon. it feels as though i have abandoned my life, my friends, and my connections in massachusetts, and it’s so damn hard.

i’m a person who places value on deep connections. if i’m getting to know someone, i want to go beyond the surface. i crave in-depth discussions and i want to really learn about the people that i care for. this is fantastic because it means that i genuinely connect with so many people, but it also makes leaving those people unbelievably hard.

when you know someone’s back-story, what makes them tick and what they adore, and you know it all at your core, it’s hard to walk away from them — no matter how great your next adventure may be. this is what it’s like for me as i sit here in ohio, preparing to move to budapest, but still yearning for those people that i am authentically connected with in massachusetts. we spent a lot of time breaking down walls and learning to rely on one another, and now that’s gone.

what makes it even harder is that when i leave, i know that their lives continue without me. sometimes someone will even enter the picture and take my place. that’s what really gets me — knowing that they keep having all kinds of experiences, and i’m not there to share in them. texting, snapchat, instagram, facebook, email, etc are all great, but they’re just not the same as sitting down for drinks with a group of spectacular people and laughing about all the crazy shit that happens from day to day.

obviously i’m close to people here in ohio as well, but it’s not the same because now that i’ve returned, i’m not the same. those people in massachusetts were near and dear to me during a pivotal time in my life, and that creates a really unique bond.

i can only hope that it continues now that i’ve left.