indifference. not necessarily negative, and yet definitely not positive. vastly different from annoyance, dislike, hostility, disdain, loathing, and the like. and so i shall accept the feeling of indifference with joy, because with it comes the knowledge that i am growing. i am growing out of those feelings of annoyance, dislike, hostility, disdain, loathing, and more.
there are still some people who can always manage to get under my skin, but on the whole, it doesn’t happen any more. what used to bother me now seems superfluous, nonessential, a waste of energy.
each year that i live and experience and change i have made a conscious effort to put more good vibes out into the world. as i have experienced more and more of our beautiful earth, come into my own spiritually, found a loving community who will steadfastly support me, i find that i am too busy being joyous to even bother with the small things that used to get to me so.
and yet, one day, these things will eventually surface. these things that used to tear me to bits, make me want to rage at the world, could physically make me sick from the stress of it all.. i’m finding that now it all just falls away.
even when i am faced with my old anger, it turns instead to indifference. and the more i mull over this indifference, i’m finding that it turns to love, which for me is such a magnificent step.
it’s like in steinbeck’s book (that i’m obsessed with), east of eden, the very concept of “timshel”, that “thou mayest”.
life is a series of choices.
thou mayest hold on to that anger, let it simmer below the surface and slowly eat away. or thou mayest let it go, and understand that we all have underlying motives for why we do what we do, and that my sins are no “better” than the sins of someone else. and because of all this, i can tell that i’m growing.