HYPOTHETICAL TEXT MESSAGES

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if i were always a completely honest person (no white lies or blatant lies), these are some of the text messages that i would have sent to various gents in my life over the last 7 years or so. enjoy. ::

  • i know that you judge me because i watch shows on The CW.
  • i’m going to continue ignoring your texts because i’m currently watching LOTR and it’s much more interesting than you.
  • wow you sound stupid. you should try reading more.
  • stop bragging about how much you love star wars, you’ve only seen episode one.
  • i don’t want to hang out with you because i just ate half a pan of brownies and i’m feeling fat.
  • congrats on being a drunk. now please stop sending me party updates.
  • it doesn’t matter how much you try to impress me. i’m already in love with trevor hall and there’s no way that you could live up to that. sorry dude.
  • I don’t like you enough to want to suffer through watching a football game just to see you.
  • oh good lord, do you knowย anythingย about judaism!?
  • i had a dream that i punched you in the face and then i laughed. now every time i look at you it’s all that i can think about.
  • I’m leaving the country in two weeks, don’t get attached.
  • i’m not actually busy, i’m just having a bad hair day and i don’t want to go out in public.
  • i may not have my life together, but at least i have morals.
  • if i was kidnapped would you come and save me? because i’m about to head to eastern europe and i just need to be sure.
  • you cry more than my emotional ass does and it worries me.
  • i don’t take you seriously as a person because you spend more time styling your hair than i do.
  • I’ve already made up my mind that you’re a douche, but I really need a ride to Kroger for chocolate milk so i guess I’ll play nice.
  • you’re gay. you may not know it yet, but you are. and I love that about you.
  • of course i want you to get me food while you’re at chipotle! ..i just don’t want to have to come out and say it because then i’ll seem like a pig.
  • what do you mean you don’t know what process theology is!?
  • you’re more ADD than i am, but i stick around because seeing your insane life makes me feel better about my own.
  • no, you idiot, seminary is not the same as a convent. i don’t even understand how you don’t know that.
  • why do you ask me things that you could just google?

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